Dark side made me do it

Dark side made me do it

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Embrace the suck, and move the f*#k forward

Embrace the suck, and move the f*#k forward 

This week has had a lot of ups and downs. It started out pretty awesome, I was able to do the grocery shopping on my own in only an hour and a half. I was focused and I did not get too distracted. I had a very good strategy to keep moving forward. 

Monday was a good day I went to the YMCA to do my rehabilitation workout, I found it very busy in that place. It was a good workout, but I needed to change a lot of stuff up as it seemed like someone else was doing the same kind of thing. Also when I needed to get on a hamsters wheel they were all taken. So I decided I would jump on the curve it a manual hamster wheel in a large u shaped. It was good I just focused on each 5 mins at a time. Ever time I got through 5 mins I said to myself this is not that bad and just kept going until I could see Kris getting ready for her spin class. I knew if I want to sit in the hot tub I needed to get going. 

Tuesday started off as a good day, I decided that if I was going to have a rest day I should go to the movies. I choose to see Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I enjoyed the movie, it was not One of Tina Fey's regular movies. It was awesome, plus there was a line at the end of the movie that I really could relate to. "Embrace the suck, and move the f#*k  forward" well like I said could relate to. After the movie I headed to the doctor always fun to see the primary doctor. This time was different from any time I have ever gone there in the past. I was early, like I am for everything in my life, and He was running ahead of time so for the first time I think ever I basically walked in and went to the small waiting room. He opened the door almost before I sat down. It was a very weird experience. After seeing the doctor I decided that I would go to the Kcup superstore and grab some for Kris. As we talked about me possibly going there, but I could only remember to go there. This is where stuff started to come of the rails, I thought I will just take public transit, I jumped on the 1st  bus started to feel cold, got to southland station and hopped on the 2nd bus to head up the hill got off at the correct stop, crossed the street and I arrived at the Kcup superstore and could not figure out why I was there. I called Kris and of course she was unavailable as she was in a meeting. I left a message for her to call me when she got the message. I did a little shopping, I was very cold, started to worry I left my jacket at the movie Theater or the doctors. 
Kris called me back and we started to talk about what was going on. She calmed me down, I finished my shopping and decided to walk next door to the Safeway to pick up something I enjoy, jalapeƱo pepper stuffed with feta cheese. So I now refer to the the small state of confusion as an incident. I did not leave my jacket at the doctors nor the movies I didn't have a jacket because it was nice out when I left the house. 

Wednesday was a very large day, My day started off with me going to my rehabilitation appointments, that was the easy 3hours of my day. From there I went to the YMCA to workout a bit and refocus. I did an easy workout to bring my mind back to what I was thinking was important. From the YMCA I went to The post surgery bariatric support group. It was good to go and talk to people on a similar journey. Although mine is a little more difficult than most, as I am losing weight, but I am also on this Brain injury survivor journey as well. The support group meeting was long after 5pm so I don't really remember much from it. Wednesday I was out of the house for longer than 10 hours, I wanted to know I could do that without having to many incidents. I was able to make it through the tough day, however I did have a few incidents. I learned quite a bit about how to avoid having incidents. However I am thinking this will change as the days go forward. I know I met quite a few people at the support group unfortunately I don't really remember who they were. That's OK because this is how my evenings usually go. 

On Thursday I went shopping at Walmart and I had one that moment today when somebody hasn't seen you in many years and they're trying to figure out who you are but can't place you because you look so different. 

Friday was hey very special day as well, I year ago I started my preop diet for surgery, also it marked 125 days out of the hospital that's one more then I was in for. It was also my mothers birthday. It's weird how everything landed on that one day but that's how my life is now. I weird stuff just pops out, or maybe I just notice it more now. 

Saturday was interesting as well. I got together with a good friend, Monique, Kristy and I went to see whiskey tango foxtrot. It was good to see it again, I enjoyed it and understood it better the second time around. After the movie we went to chapters so Kristy could pick up a book. Unfortunately the chapters did not have the book Kris was looking for so we decided to go for dinner, then head to the chapters at Chinook  mall. After that we walked up the mall. Now I don't remember why we did that, but it was interesting to see how busy the mall was. Also I worked on trying to keep my impulsiveness under control. I think I did well, but not really sure. What I do remember from the trip up the mall was that I finally got to try the jugo juice smoothie place out and I did go to the Lego store as I have a new very cool Keychain of Darth Vader, because my brain works differently now I remember more of the harder things, than the happiest things. So on the way out to the autobot, my friend truck has an awesome Transformer deckle on it. We went back out the way we came in, through the chapters store and this is where things started to come way off the rails for me. As we walked through the chapters I got very confused, I could understand why the chapters changed so much. I thought I was in the Shaughnessy chapters, and I started to panic, in fact I stopped walking and started to call Kris on my phone. It was very scary, as I started to call Kris, Monique noticed I was lost and came and grabbed me. It is crazy how far I come off the rails. 

On Sunday when I did the shopping, I didn't start a timer as I could live with the hour and a half that it would take to do it. This time I was able to do it in only an hour, Kris let me Know when she arrived that I did even better this week. It was good to know. However I am no longer trying to be like fat Brian. I am not going to let the stuff I could do before get in my way now. I need to find a way to just be this new more handsome Brian. Not worry if I am normal anymore. Fat Brian was not normal so why should I try to be like him. I think what is best is to just be me, and embrace the suck, and move the f*#k forward. 

Sunday, March 6, 2016

1 ......2.......3 
It has been a very hard few weeks, I am dealing with a lot of very different emotions. My world has changed so much, it very hard to wrap my mind around how I am going to figure out how to get through a normal day. I hate that word normal. Nothing, and I really mean nothing seems normal in my life. Things I could do very easily, take so much more effort now it's crazy. I don't make decisions very well, like choosing a pair of shoes, it took an hour, I had to tried so many different shoes on, not sure if it because I have a lot more to chose from now, because fat Brian could only wear a certain shoe because of weight. Now I can just wear almost any of them. It a very weird world. 

In my life I am working on letting go of a bad habit I picked up in the hospital. This counting 1, 2, 3 before I go to do something. Everything you do in the hospital has that counting thing, and now that I am home it has manifested itself into doing it all the time. In fact it's really bad now, I count when I am afraid, when I am exhausted, and when I am confused. I do it without even thinking about it, life with this brain injury sometimes is very terrifying. It seems to help calm me down, however it is a very bad habit and I have kick it. 

Also I have done some challenging things in the last few weeks, starting to find a rhythm with keeping myself busy. I am looking at recovery as full time job, scheduling stuff everyday, I even if it is a rest day I go and do something outside the house. I workout at the YMCA 3 times a week. At first I started to do that so to try and get back to work sooner, but now I know it's more about just getting better so I can live. I get back to work when the time is right. I can't rush it as my body is much different now. I have also started cooking a Lot more. In fact I get excited about doing it, making even just an omelette is exciting. 

February 26 was a very hard and creepy day. I went to the YMCA, I took Access and when you use access you pick other passengers up who are going to the YMCA. We picked a few people up and then headed to Midnapore to pick up a passenger. We went by the intersection I avoid at all costs because it is the intersection where I witnessed my brother passed away at. Then we continued on to the exact  condo building I lived in at the time of his death to pick up the next passenger. This was very hard, but when arrived at the YMCA I decided to work out that shit on the gym floor. I must thank my former trainer Damir for teaching me the best place to work shit out is to do something you think you can't do. So I made a circuit up in my head and just pushed my body through it. I also should thank my best friend Ryan who I used to train with because I must admit his voice was in my head pushing me to go harder like he used to do when he was my training partner. Pounded out a very good workout. It really helps me. After the workout I went to willow park to pick up some gluten free cupcakes for a friend that was coming to Kristy's birthday party so when everyone was eating cake she could as well. After getting the cupcakes I walked around willow park looking for the booster juice, and after I found it, I also found the  store Lammle's Western store so I went in to look around and I found a cool shirt, tried it on, sent Kristy a photo asked if she liked it without telling her what store I was in. She liked it so I made the decision on my own to buy it. It's my new Favourite shirt, because it's awesome ! Also because I made the decision to buy it mostly on my own.  

Things are getting better with regards to finding this new Brian. I am starting to feel some Independence and I am finding new strategies to deal with many of the issues I have. Also finding ways to deal with some of the anger I am experiencing. Fat Brian always kept that shit in and never really dealt with it. I am finding that anger and frustration is very exhausting. So I am trying not to let that stuff get in my way anymore. 

March is Brain injury awareness month. So please take a moment to appreciate life, and if you are around someone who is also touched by this give them a pat on the back or a high five because it is the hardest journey I have ever been on and I have done some hardcore crazy things like running a 10k weighing 400 lbs or the 100 burpees I once did and those things don't even come close to this new journey I am on. Also don't forget the heroes that stand by and stand up for there loved ones with a Brain injury, because they may even have it harder.