Dark side made me do it

Dark side made me do it

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Rolling with the Changes

Rolling with the Changes 

I know I have not posted in the blog since my surgery anniversary, it has been very crazy and I have learned a lot about my journey , my disability and some of the obstacles that will be in my life. My disability before surgery was very front and centre, plus the world didn't see it as a disability. As a 500 plus pound man I was perceived very lazy person because of my size. The world didn't realize I had a disability, and that I was fighting a war on many different fronts. Now that I am a 290 pound man ( that's right I am now in the 200's ) I am fighting a war on multiple fronts still, but now it's not just about losing weight. I still have Fat Brian inside me and I do wrestle with him all the time about Shit food, but I do have a tool to help with it. But now I am fight to recover from the Brain Injury I suffered from getting that tool. That is a disability that is very invisible, in fact many people question if I have a disability. But it is very very real, I used to think that living life as a 500 pound man was hardest, I was very wrong it was hard, but not even in the same area as my disability now. My struggles are hard to describe, I have accepted that fact that I am different now, I still am struggling with the Brian I am Now and the  Brian I used to be. I can say I have stopped pretending to be old Brian. It a funny path that I am on, I know longer worry about what I used to like that I no longer like. I live in the extremes and I am starting to understand why be mostly it because my brain is always running hard to try and compensate for the damage. Again it hard to describe, I have been told by it will level out just be patient. 

Well let me explain what has changed in my life, I have reached the tail end of my time in the CAR program, So we are focusing on getting me ready to return to work, and also realizing that I need more help on a particular area so we are pushing through to reach goals with a new therapist. To prepare me for my return to work I am taking a classes at the central CAR four days a week 4 hours each day. This has been a very interesting, and I do believe it is helping. We are finding out fast what accommodations we need to ask for from CLS also what help I will need after I leave CAR. 

I also have seen how the outside world is going to treat me with this disability. Yes it is very scary to see how people will try to use my disability against me. The really scary thing was watching medical professionals do it. Also that they didn't believe it is a permanent thing was also very disheartening. But I guess it is hard sometimes for them to admit there is something they don't know or understand. Also I am not quite sure how they could tell me that  my quality-of-life has greatly  improved. Yes In some ways it has gotten better, but it came at a very high price, It also has become much much more harder, in many ways they will never understand. It was a very hard week to get through. 

Also had a security guard that believed there was nothing wrong with me and pushed for me to leave an area that I was sitting in  waiting for Access Calgary to come and pick me up. The very surprising thing was how my peers with disability responded. The next day I went to the security desk at the building explained that I did have a disability and they to note. What happened after that was very amazing. On Thursday a few days after the incident happened, one of the other Access Calgary passengers told me that everyone that was in that waiting room that day went to the security desk as well and complained about that security guard trying to take me out of the area. She said "all of us with disabilities need to stick together in this tough world!" This was very good moment in a very rough week. 

There was many great stuff that also happened, I got to experience how some of my coworkers will treat me and that was awesome. It was nice to see that I am different but I can go back and know where my support will be in the building. I also got to see my very strong wife do something she was afraid to do, not only was she able to do it, but had a lot of fun at it and I am glad we don't own an axe. 

I also did buy a new pair of jeans, in fact they are Levi's. I have not worn a pair of them in 20 years or so maybe longer. It's funny I cried when I tried them on. I was finally in a pair of Levi's, but they feel very tight and loose at the same time. Just not used to it yet I guess. 

That is all for now, I will post again in the near future, as there are even more big changes coming.


  1. WTG Brian! You are healing in so many ways. A true Champion.