that little devil inside my head

The last month things have been up and down, sure I was have a few problems with the food thing. But I got that under control. I now have control of the food and I am no longer constantly thinking about bad food. I finally got to the point where I was feeling awesome. I forgot that I am always the biggest guy in the room. Then today on the bus I was listening to my music when I got a text and the music stopped. That is when I heard what the group of teenage girls at the back of the were talking about. They were mooing and making fun of my weight. So I turn my music back on and tried to forget about it. The bus trip felt like it was taking forever, and that is when that little devil inside my head showed up, I call him fat Brian, he started to talk and he never says anything good. So I start picking on myself, picking out all my flaws. I felt so fat. As I came to my stop, I was not in a very good place. I got off the bus grabbed my preworkout sub head to the park to eat it. Then off to the gym.

I started my workout, tonight’s workout was mostly on the treadmill, as I walked on the treadmill I start to think of all my accomplishments in the last year. The more I walked the better I felt about myself. Now after an hour of really pushing myself, I was feeling good but not there just yet. After an hour I hopped off the treadmill to clean it and Jen and Shaimaa came into the cardio room and said come on Brian get back on for another 30mins with us. Now I am soaking wet, from the amount of sweat. I roll my eyes, and got back on the treadmill, now they did not know what happen on the bus, nor did they know I was not feeling awesome yet. But that last 30mins did it. I started to feel awesome again. I powered through that last 30mins and I got off that treadmill feeling awesome. Funny how your friends jump in and help you with your head, even when they don’t have any idea you are not in a great place. This is why I love going to alive! The people there rock!!!

So yes if you see me getting off the treadmill and you say walk another 30mins with me, I will never say no. I may roll my eyes, but I will get back on and walk with you another 30mins! Thank you Jen and Shaimaa for pushing me tonight past my comfort zone!

Clean

CLEAN

Funny how easy it is to fall back into old habits, I worked so hard to eat clean, workout and lose weight. The last 3 months has been so awesome, workouts rocked, the food was so clean, and I was in such a zone. Then one weekend of letting loose turn into two weeks of poor choices. Now I am trying to dig out of this set back, and all I can think about is stupid potato chips and ice cream. I made it through today without eating that crap, but boy that is all I can think about. I hate the term “will power” it pisses me off when people say that, I don’t think it was will power that I used for the last 3 months. It was dedication and fear that got me through the last three months. Tomorrow I will wake up and I hope that my mind starts to think of other things. Tonight I had a good talk with Damir, that help that he understood what I was going through.

What was really awesome about tonight was the fact that I think hell week is back. We did a crazy hour on the treadmill tonight. It was awesome, I was pushed way out of my comfort zone and maybe little past my limits. I love sessions like that!! It really helps put my mind back on what I was doing. Tomorrow I am on my own with the treadmill and I think I may try and see if I can push myself like Damir did today! I am going to eat clean tomorrow I just hope my mind can get on board and thinks clean! :o)

Wow!!

Wow!!

Wow!! It has been an awesome couple of weeks. I hit my first year goal, I lost 100lbs!! I pulled it together and did it. Also I made a joke to my trainer Damir that I should try walking on the treadmill for three hours and walk more than 10km. He looked at me with that a giant grin on his on his face he gets just before I do something a chubby guy is not suppose to do. So on Friday June 4^th I walked on the treadmill for three hours. I had such an awesome support team my best friend Ryan walked with me for more than an hour and a half, then Jen took over and walked with me for over an hour, And in my last hour Leah and Sam jump on treadmills as well and I did it. I walked 3 hours it worked out to 14 km.

On Saturday June 5^th I had a fashion shoot with me in front of the camera. That was something else, I had been shopping the week before with Holly and Kristy and I have a whole new in the style.....no I mean I now have a style. During the shoot I had a moment that I have seen so many other people have, but until then it never happened to me. I did not recognise myself in the photo. I was truly stunned. I look so different, and I like what I was seeing. After the shoot Holly and Ben had a party to celebrate Kristy and I first big milestone. It was an awesome party!

On June 12^th I did a fundraiser that I do every year to raise money for the Wal-Mart Walk for Miracles I had a friend shrink wrap me to a bench at Wal-Mart and I sat there for 4 hours and raised $369. This time there was a lot of space left on that bench. Something great happen, many of the customers who donated last year notice that I was much smaller.

On June 13^th I did the Wal-Mart 5k walk for Miracles. I invited many of my friends from Alive to walk with me. 13 people showed up to walk with me, it was awesome. My team was bigger than the Wal-Mart 3010 store team (both volunteers and walkers). Now before the walk my team ask what my goal time was to finish the 5K, I said 1 hour and 15 mins. Well we blow that right out of the water. I finished in 1 hour and 2 mins. Damir pushed me the whole way; I mean literally he pushed me. It totally rocked!

I was feeling so good from the last couple of weeks, I started to slip a little with my food, ok slip is not the right word I fell off the clean wagon hard. In true addict style I started to talk myself into bad things. Started to think 1 burger.... i can handle it .... I can have 1 burger and it will end with just that.... yeah that didn’t work. 1 burger led to a lot more very poor choices. But my support team has quickly jumped in and gave me a good reality check and ass kicking. Now I am refocused and ready to take on the week. Thanks

New goal.....I will walk 100km in the next 4 weeks.... So by July 20 I will reach this first small goal of 100 km!

It just has not sunk it yet!

It just has not sunk it yet!

Wow it has been a whole year now since I started my weight loss journey. Last night looked at some old pictures of me, and I did not realize how big I was. It is something to say I lost 99 lbs, but wow looking at those photos what a difference. What is really awesome is how much I have changed on the inside. In those photos I could see how unhappy I was. I was not living life. Now I am almost always smiling and very positive.

Last weekend I finished a 5k walk, unlike the 5k walks I have done in the past. This one was timed with a sensor on my shoe laces. It was fun to walk with some friends and finish 23 minutes faster than last one I did in November. This time after the walk my legs did not hurt as bad as the last time. It is great to know that I can finish a 5k without having to spend the rest of my day sleeping. After the 5k I went shopping with Holly and Kristy for some new clothes. That was such a fun time, Holly and Kristy pulled all kinds of different stuff for me to try on. When I tried on the first outfit they put together for me, I looked in the mirror & I took a double take, if fact I think I looked behind me to see if it really was me. Now I have seen a few of my friends at alive not realize how far they have come, never did I think I would ever think that way. We were there for an hour or so, & when we left I was so happy. Now that was very weird for me, because in the past when I would go shopping for clothes, I would leave very upset. Not this time it was awesome I have ever felt so confident before. I can’t wait to show off my new look this weekend.

Tonight when I stepped on the scale and Kristy started screaming and Damir had a giant smile on his face because I have now hit 99lbs down. I didn’t react....in fact it still has not hit me yet. Maybe it is because I have not lost 100 lbs yet, not sure, but I am sure when it does I will lose it, and there will be lots of tears. Yet don’t get me wrong I am very proud of what I have done so far! It just has not sunk it yet.