It has been quite some time since my last blog post. I would love to say that the last 10 months has been smooth sailing, but that would be a big lie. It has been a very hard struggle. I know it maybe be hard to understand as I was doing very well there for a long while. The full truth is I gave up. My family and friends ask why, quite a bit and I am not sure they understand when I try to explain what happen. Here is the just of it, I was told in order to have my apron removed I would have to lose another 145 pounds. At that point yes I had lost 190 pounds it took over 2 years to get to that point and so much time on a treadmill. The apron was in the way of everything in my life. The more I lost the lower to the ground it got. So I felt very impossible that I could get there., and I was angry. It was not an I am done kind of thing it just slowly started to happen. Plus I was losing control of the food, and lying to myself about it. I am an addict, food is my drug of choice. Not great food, shit food like chips and chocolate. It is hard to stop once that shit is back in my body. Once you start putting that shit back in and the weight starts to come back so does that demon inside me. Shouting "see you could not do it, your not strong at all, why spend time on the treadmill you suck". I started to believe that shit again, and cardio day turn into sitting home back on the couch again. Also I slowing became grumpy again, not wanting to see friends and family because I was embarrassed that I gained some weight back.
This is not a New Years resolution, but it is a new year and I feel like it could be a fresh start. I need find some of that drive I used to have. So I am going back to the beginning and doing some of the stuff I did to gain some control back. To start with not more lying to myself and remember success is not a goal, it’s a by-product of hard work.
So I gain back some weight, no lets not lie, I gained back 80 pounds that is quite a bit of weight. I am slowly gaining control of my eating habits, still doing bootcamp with Damir and slowly making cardio a habit again. I have a plan and I am putting it into play.
So this weeks goal is get on better eating routine and cut back on the shit food.
I've lost a lot of my motivation also, so thanks for the post. It's good to knowe I'm not alone in this slow but steady road to hard work/success. :D
ReplyDeleteWeight Loss or the attempt to change our bodies is the public shame and all us food addicts heap it on like the extra gravy! This is the one pervasive substance abuse that we can't hide from nor can we hide it's effects. I've often envied the cocaine addicts as they can seemingly hide their substance abuses AND it makes them skinny rails!!! ( Yes I understand the ravages of drug abuse but don't tell me, anyone with a food addiction who is reading this hasn't wished for a different substance obsession...even if it was just for variety!!!)
ReplyDeleteThese "soft" addictions are a BITCH Brian!! Food, TV the internet, all pulling us away from our goals with the provocative romance of comfort and security. It's all very seductive...whereas pain, sweat and hard work is...well, pain sweat and hard work!.. I have lost and regained the same 30 - 60 lbs 5 times in my life...I often wonder if I'm just not simply addicted to dieting and the promise of a better life "once I get this weight off!!!"
I love your post! It was a relief to see the simple honesty of it all. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself ( I know how hard that is when faced with frustration and shame of back slide) It doesn't matter what was, only what is and remember you have all the skills to accomplish these goals of yours...you've already proven it!