Why I do What I do

Why I do What I do

Before I became Alive at Alive, I was a going through the motions. Not really living! I would not make plans for the future, because I felt I did not have one. I would not react when someone would put me down, give me a dirty look, or come right out and calls me names. I would let it slide off me like I was made of Teflon. When Maggie (my sweet little niece) was 4 I took her to Chuck e Cheese on a Saturday, if you have never been there on a Saturday it is like standing it the toy department of a Wal-Mart on the Saturday before Christmas. She was playing having a good time when she asks me a question “Uncle Brian why is that woman staring at you? She does not look happy, is she staring at you because you are cubby?” I did not know what to say, so I went with the truth and said “yes, I don’t think she has a friend like Uncle Brian. She turned to me and hugged me and said that is not very nice. This was the first time I want to change my life & I did not know how. As I told I many times before just let it go.

A few months later Kristy and I took her to see Kung Fu Panda, We choose the movie because there was a scene in the Trailers where Po (the Panda) is climbing the stairs gets to the top and sits down for a break because he is out of breath and tired. The first time she saw it she pointed at the panda and Said “he’s like Uncle Brian” I thought that was cute did not think anything about it. We saw the movie and in the middle there is a scene where The kung fu Master asks Po why he does not quit, Po say because all the pain the master panda put him through, does not compare to the pain he goes through out in village everyday where the others make fun of him. Maggie leaned into me grabbing my head and pulling it close to her and asked me “do you feel that way Uncle Brian, because you are chubby too”

In the last two weeks Damir and I have pushed my body past it limits, well it feels that way. I have a goal that I want to reach in my first year. so we have turned it up a bit. Some Mornings it has been a bit of a chore to get moving. Yes there has been pain! My legs were very sore and stiff. A co worker suggested I slow it down and take a break; you don’t have push that hard. Yes I do, Not because if my first year goal, no, I need to because I don’t want to ever feel the way I felt when Maggie asked Why the woman was staring at me. Also Just like in the movie Kung fu Panda, The pain in my legs is nothing compared to the pain I feel when the small minded people in the world try and make me feel bad about my size. Also I would love for Maggie to not see me as a Chubby Guy. I don’t think Maggie see’s me as the Chubby Guy, but I do. I can’t wait until we can walk down the mall and I am not freaked that there might be a small mind person around who is going to put me down in front of Maggie. So I must keep this train on its track and stop for nothing.

So please when you see me on the hamster wheel, give me a smile because now you know why I go to alive everyday and walk on that hamster wheel.