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It has been a very hard few weeks, I am dealing with a lot of very different emotions. My world has changed so much, it very hard to wrap my mind around how I am going to figure out how to get through a normal day. I hate that word normal. Nothing, and I really mean nothing seems normal in my life. Things I could do very easily, take so much more effort now it's crazy. I don't make decisions very well, like choosing a pair of shoes, it took an hour, I had to tried so many different shoes on, not sure if it because I have a lot more to chose from now, because fat Brian could only wear a certain shoe because of weight. Now I can just wear almost any of them. It a very weird world. 

In my life I am working on letting go of a bad habit I picked up in the hospital. This counting 1, 2, 3 before I go to do something. Everything you do in the hospital has that counting thing, and now that I am home it has manifested itself into doing it all the time. In fact it's really bad now, I count when I am afraid, when I am exhausted, and when I am confused. I do it without even thinking about it, life with this brain injury sometimes is very terrifying. It seems to help calm me down, however it is a very bad habit and I have kick it. 

Also I have done some challenging things in the last few weeks, starting to find a rhythm with keeping myself busy. I am looking at recovery as full time job, scheduling stuff everyday, I even if it is a rest day I go and do something outside the house. I workout at the YMCA 3 times a week. At first I started to do that so to try and get back to work sooner, but now I know it's more about just getting better so I can live. I get back to work when the time is right. I can't rush it as my body is much different now. I have also started cooking a Lot more. In fact I get excited about doing it, making even just an omelette is exciting. 

 

February 26 was a very hard and creepy day. I went to the YMCA, I took Access and when you use access you pick other passengers up who are going to the YMCA. We picked a few people up and then headed to Midnapore to pick up a passenger. We went by the intersection I avoid at all costs because it is the intersection where I witnessed my brother passed away at. Then we continued on to the exact  condo building I lived in at the time of his death to pick up the next passenger. This was very hard, but when arrived at the YMCA I decided to work out that shit on the gym floor. I must thank my former trainer Damir for teaching me the best place to work shit out is to do something you think you can't do. So I made a circuit up in my head and just pushed my body through it. I also should thank my best friend Ryan who I used to train with because I must admit his voice was in my head pushing me to go harder like he used to do when he was my training partner. Pounded out a very good workout. It really helps me. After the workout I went to willow park to pick up some gluten free cupcakes for a friend that was coming to Kristy's birthday party so when everyone was eating cake she could as well. After getting the cupcakes I walked around willow park looking for the booster juice, and after I found it, I also found the  store Lammle's Western store so I went in to look around and I found a cool shirt, tried it on, sent Kristy a photo asked if she liked it without telling her what store I was in. She liked it so I made the decision on my own to buy it. It's my new Favourite shirt, because it's awesome ! Also because I made the decision to buy it mostly on my own.  

Things are getting better with regards to finding this new Brian. I am starting to feel some Independence and I am finding new strategies to deal with many of the issues I have. Also finding ways to deal with some of the anger I am experiencing. Fat Brian always kept that shit in and never really dealt with it. I am finding that anger and frustration is very exhausting. So I am trying not to let that stuff get in my way anymore. 

March is Brain injury awareness month. So please take a moment to appreciate life, and if you are around someone who is also touched by this give them a pat on the back or a high five because it is the hardest journey I have ever been on and I have done some hardcore crazy things like running a 10k weighing 400 lbs or the 100 burpees I once did and those things don't even come close to this new journey I am on. Also don't forget the heroes that stand by and stand up for there loved ones with a Brain injury, because they may even have it harder. 

What a interesting week I have had, so many things I have tried doing. I am starting to see what the future will bring. Monday I got together with one of my oldest friends, she would not want me to say it like that, so let's just say we have known each other since high school and leave it at that,  we went to see the funny movie Zoolander 2. It was great to see her and hangout having a fun day. I tried on a Jean jacket thinking I would like it, it was ok but the jacket I tried on was not what I had in mind. So I am going to hold off for now until I find exactly what I have in my mind. I also did find something I did like, a pair of sunglasses. Now I am not going to buy them from the crazy place I tried them on as they were a lot more then I am willing to spent on something I most likely will loose. So I will wait until I find a nice knock off. It was an amazing day. 

Tuesday was very interesting as well, I wanted to do something to surprise my wife Kristy. I decided to make her one of her favourite meals. So I went to the grocery store on my own and got what I needed. I made her meatloaf and homemade Mac and Cheese. It went very well, I made the meatloaf and Mac and cheese before she got home. She walked into a very beautiful smelling house. I think she was surprised, also excited to have an old part of her husband back. It was a very good day. 

Thursday I had an amazing trip to the YMCA to go swimming. I was so excited I packed my swimming bag four times during the week. Getting back into the pool was so great & so different. I lost so much weight my body is so weird now. My legs when I got into the pool felt so funny, there is lots of skin issues I have now. So much weight loss that when I was in the pool it felt like the skin in my legs was separate from my legs. It was so freaky! I am going to go swimming again very soon, I need to remember that I get exhausted much easier now and need to remember it is ok to take breaks. The recreational therapist I went with pointed that out. I don't seem to know my limits just yet, but I am working on that. 

On Friday I met up with another old friend that I have not seen in a long time. It was good to get together and remanence about old times. I found a drink that I liked, that I could have in a social situations that does not have any alcohol in it. It was so good to hear how his family was doing. Also it felt kind good to sit and not need to worry if anyone around me could tell I have a little brain damage. We just had a good time. 

On Saturday I tried again to do the weekly grocery shopping trip on my own. I wish I could say it went well, but it had good points and bad of course. The good points were that I was able to cut the time it took in half from the week before. However it still was much too long for my liking. I must try and work on my impulsiveness, and focus on what is really needed. I will reach this by having a better strategy & a better list next week. I will get my shopping time down to an hour with a better plan. After shopping I wanted to go see a movie with Kristy, we went to see How to be single. I hated it, in fact it made me very angry. So me not knowing my limits suggested we go see the movie Joy to try and make up for the shitty movie we just saw. We did go to the movie, but by then I started to shutdown. Having a very hard time controlling my illness. Kristy is a very awesome partner, she is very understanding of my illness and can see crap coming and try and change what is going to happen if we continue. I love her greatly. 

On Sunday I decided to go to a meet up with with other people from the bariatric program. It was a good decision I made to go. I met a lot of great people, who were on a similar journey weight wise as myself. It was also great to hear how they were all doing. I felt I was not alone with certain feelings I was having. Another great thing that happened on Sunday was that I was able to cross Macleod  trail on my own. 

Finding Brian 

I know I have not posted on this blog in many years, I am going to use it again to talk about my Journey into the this new life. 2015 was a very difficult year, I had vertical  sleeve gastrectomy surgery. I did this because I was tipping the scale at 540 pounds. I had a complication from the surgery that the surgeon did not see coming. The complication I had was Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome. I received brain damage from this and I am working on repairing the damage. I was in the hospital for 124 days where I need to relearn many things I took for granted,  like standing, walking, and eating. 

Enough about the past, let's talk about what's going on now. Today is a new very different time, I am dealing with so much now. I am trying to find out who I am, I know that sounds funny for a 42 year old guy not to know who he is. I don't really know, Fat Brian I think had no idea either. Since I came very close to dying my view of life has changed greatly. I don't want to waste anymore time with things I don't think really matters anymore. So here is what I have come up with so far, I like to walk, so I am going to try to walk more outside. I have figured out how I like to cut & style my hair. I know I still love to cook. I also like to workout, not the crazy shit I did before, but a calmer kind. As I work some of this stuff out, I guess I am finding This new Brian. 

Things are all over the place as I am trying to understand how my brain works. Most days I wake up ready to conquer the world. Then there is the other days I wake up and feel very overwhelmed. Unfortunately for me I have not really found any middle ground yet. I know this may sound strange but what I find the hardest is this not working thing. It's very hard to sit still and if I have a rest day or a day with very little to do in it I feel very restless. The other very strange thing is that my older memories are what is coming up, so I am remembering real old shit. It's much easier then remembering stuff from now, Like did I have breakfast, or who was that I bumped into at the Walmart the last time I was shopping. It is very frustrating, 

I am a Brain Damaged Warrior  fighting my way back. It's a lot harder than you could imagine. 

Fresh Start

It has been quite some time since my last blog post. I would love to say that the last 10 months has been smooth sailing, but that would be a big lie. It has been a very hard struggle. I know it maybe be hard to understand as I was doing very well there for a long while. The full truth is I gave up. My family and friends ask why, quite a bit and I am not sure they understand when I try to explain what happen. Here is the just of it, I was told in order to have my apron removed I would have to lose another 145 pounds. At that point yes I had lost 190 pounds it took over 2 years to get to that point and so much time on a treadmill. The apron was in the way of everything in my life. The more I lost the lower to the ground it got. So I felt very impossible that I could get there., and I was angry. It was not an I am done kind of thing it just slowly started to happen.  Plus I was losing control of the food, and lying to myself about it. I am an addict, food is my drug of choice. Not great food, shit food like  chips and chocolate. It is hard to stop once that shit is back in my body.  Once you  start putting that shit back in and the weight starts to come back so does that demon inside me. Shouting "see you could not do it, your not strong at all, why spend time on the treadmill you suck". I started to believe that shit again, and cardio day turn into sitting home back on the couch again. Also I slowing became grumpy again, not wanting to see friends and family because I was  embarrassed that I gained some weight back.  

This is not a New Years resolution, but it is a new year and I feel like it could be a fresh start. I need find some of that drive I used to have. So I am going back to the beginning and doing some of the stuff I did to gain some control back. To start with not more lying to myself and remember success is not a goal, it’s a by-product of hard work.

So I gain back some weight, no lets not lie, I gained back 80 pounds that is quite a bit of weight. I am slowly gaining control of my eating habits, still doing bootcamp with Damir and slowly making cardio a habit again. I have a plan and I am putting it into play. 

So this weeks goal is get on better eating routine and cut back on the shit food. 

The Decision

February was one of the roughness months on my weight loss journey. My Stress level was very high as many area’s in my life were showing signs that a change was needed. I like things very routine, I thrive on the basics in my life stay the same day in day out. So when I can see changes are on the horizon, I began to get stressed out.

February started out strong, that first week I was doing my cardio 2110 Fitness three days a week, 2 hours each day. My sessions With Damir were amazing; he pushed far beyond my limits with most sessions. I enjoyed my reward for reaching my weight loss goal in January; I did Damir’s Saturday morning kickboxing class. The kickboxing class was awesome, I got to partner with Sandra it was such a great hour. We laughed, and sweated our butts off! It was awesome.
Things quickly changed, First my cat Chibi stop eating. So Kristy and I had to force feed him Several times a day. So this meant on my cardio days, I needed to come home and feed him then do my cardio in my basement on my own hamster wheel. At first this was hard after feeding Chibi; I needed to get by my comfy lazy boy chair to go to the basement. After a few days I found my routine and made it past, and found my stride. As the month continued more home repairs surfaced and I had to make a tough decision. I had to stop Partner Training with Damir. This was a very hard decision to make, after several days of struggling with it I talked to Damir about it and we made a plan together what I would do when we stopped training. Two days later my kitchen sink started to leak and that was it I had to make the decision to stop and go forward with the plan. So our last session would be on February 28th.
The day of our last session came quick. Just before Ryan arrived for our session Damir asked how I was doing, and I smiled and said “I am good”. But he could see right through me. He replied “No I think you’re sad, and scared about what is going to happen after today. The new Boot camp will be like having one of your sessions with 20 other people!” Our last session was all the great exercises from the past. Hammer slams, tire flips with burpees, Alternating Cleans, 15 incline on the Treadmill, and Damir even threw in my favourite from when we were at Alive, Pushing him up the hallway, or maybe I should say fighting him up the hallway. At 2110 Fitness we did from one end of the gym to the other. It was one of the best sessions I have ever had.
March 1st was my first day at Damir’s new Boot Camp. There were lots of Familiar faces, Sandra, Lara, and Kat Jacob, Jamie and Jen and lots of new ones. It was nice to catch up with Kat Jacob before class. When Damir said the boot camp would be like one of my sessions with 20 other people he was not kidding. It was just as intense, no maybe more intense then one of our session. It did not feel like there was a lot of time resting at all it was just go, go and go. It was awesome!!

The biggest thing I will miss about Partner training is my partner. My Best friend Ryan and I have been Training together for a very long time. It was always very motivating to workout with Ryan. He would push and push me, call me out when I was slacking and celebrate with me when we did something an amazing, which was almost every week. I will miss that.
I did not reach all my goals I set in January. I lost 7 pounds, not the 12 I was hoping for, I did reach more than my goal of 70 km, and I did 81 km on the hamster wheel. 68 of them on the hamster wheel in my basement. I also did 60 km on the Airdyne before my cat got sick, I would have surpassed my goal. The biggest thing I learned in February is that I can do cardio away from the gym in my own basement, which is where I will do most of it in the future.

Looking over some old photo and I have added a few from Day 2 of my Journey taken on June 4th 2009 and one from last summer as that is the latest photo I have of my whole body. I think I see a difference. I will never go back to that weight ever.

March Goals
· Lose 10 pounds
· 80 km on the hamster wheel

Back in Action

I had 3 goals for the past month, lose 10 pounds, get the food under control and run/jog 60km. Also in January I wanted to work on finding balance in my life between working out, family and friends. January went by so quickly.
January had some pretty amazing workout. I spent more than a few hours on the hamster wheel; today I am sitting at 45km in January. Not at my goal but after tomorrow I will be at 50km and that is a good start to the year. To try and work on balance in my life I tried to using the treadmill at home a few times, but have decided that it is best to workout out at the gym as I don’t push as hard at home. Sandra and I also worked out together at 2110 fitness this month. It was awesome to pound out the hamster wheel work with a friend. It was motivating as she would go hard so I would do the same. After the hamster wheel we did a hardcore workout, it was awesome.
My sessions with Damir were kickass as always. Almost every session we have spent time on the hamster wheel. The hamster wheel with Damir is hard with a purpose. The best one this month has been the exercise I call the double hamster wheel to hell. Damir has me power walk at a 15 incline for 5mins and Ryan jogging on the treadmill beside me, every time I hop off the treadmill to rest or hang on to the treadmill he increases Ryan’s incline, if Ryan hops off the treadmill he increases my speed. It is brutal.
I have had some success with my weight this month. As of last Monday I am down 11 pounds so far in January. It seems the more I stick to my food plan the better I feel and the weight comes off faster. I found out this month that I like avocado and almond milk. I really love the avocado in my salads. Not sure about have almond milk in my oatmeal; I think I prefer water but I am getting used to it. I officially step on the scale tomorrow for my last weigh in for January. But as of yesterday I am only down 1 pound. I am sure it would have been more this week, however I had a very bad cold this week so I did not do much cardio outside my sessions this week.
As I look back at the month of January I must decide if I have reached my goals and if I should reward myself. I did lose more than 10 pounds so that is a good thing. I am thinking I could have lost more with a little more focus. I did not reach my goal of 60 km on the hamster wheel. I did spend time with family and friends this month, I reached that goal there. The old Brian would ask everyone what they think and not make my own self evaluation. However I can do this on my own. I did lose more than the 10 pounds I was shooting for, so , so since I am not a dog, I will reward myself with one of Damir classes in February if there is room not Food. I was 10 km short on the hamster wheel goal. The consequence to that is I am adding 10 extra to the month of February.

February’s goals
· Lose 12 pounds or more
· 60km on the hamster wheel
· 10km extra on the hamsterwheel
· 100 km on the Airdyne

Hey, Hey, My, My

Well I took a little break from posting my blog as it has been a tough 3 months. As I struggled I felt it was best not to share my struggle as I did not want to let anyone down. Many friends and family have pointed out to me that struggling is a part of my journey and posting will help me with the struggle. To be honest I have lost and regained the same 10 to 15 pounds in the last three months. I am referring the last 3 months as the dark time. In my darkest time I was sitting in McDonalds staring at the menu board for quite a long, debating to have a Big Mac or not. I did not have one that day, but have caved last week and had one. It was not worth it.

In order to regain control of my weight loss journey I need to find balance in my life. My lifestyle will always have fitness in it now. But I need to find the balance between my fitness lifestyle, my family, friends and work. In 2011 I did not see my niece enough. Every time I did get to see her, she looked so much taller. In 2012 I need to make time to see her. I also have not seen my friend Pam in months, my friends Chad and Michelle had a baby and they brought her into Wal-Mart to meet me. These are all signs I need to take time out and spend some time with family and friends. So even if I work hard all week and I am very tried I need take some time on my weekends off to see family and friends.

The good news is that I have a good plan to regain control of my food. Also I am make big strides learning to run, and made some great fitness goals for 2012. My biggest goal is to eat clean for 100 days, doing this will bring good food habits in my life. Second goal is to run a 10k in May and get my time under 2 hours. In the summer I would like to play football. These will take allot of training and running so cardio is very important. So my ass will be on the treadmill 3 to 4 times a week. 2110 Fitness has also changed the gym layout; with the new layout it is very easy to do suicides up and down the turf. I plan to do this 2 times a week; this will also help me get used to running on the ground not on a treadmill.

Hey, Hey, My, My I have come a very long way, but I still have a quite a way to go. It is easy to forget how bad I was in the beginning. Damir, Kim, Kristy, and Holly have helped me come so far. There was a time I could not tie my own shoe laces, walk up a flight of stairs without becoming winded, fit into a booth at a restaurant, get up off the ground if I fell, do burpees, do a 5k; well I could go on forever here. Since it has been a while where these things were issues in my life I have forgot and lost my focus. But I don’t want to go back to not have a life again so I am taking time to refocus and get my mojo back.

Reaching goals this year is very important to me this year, I lost my way with that in 2011, this year goals will have deadlines. I think if I give myself reasonable deadlines I will have better success. Also I stop rewarding myself when I reached goals. So in 2012 I will be rewarding myself when I reach small and big goals. My first small goal is to drop 10 pounds and to run 60 km before the end of January. My rewards will be non food rewards. When I reach my first goal my reward will be to drop in to one of Damir’s Bootcamp or Kickboxing classes in February.

Also I won’t go so long without post a new blog entry again, so look forward to new entry weather I am rocking it or weather I am struggling.